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Pain and suffering are what refine expansion
of my conscience. What I feel, my conscience and my thoughts,

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they are what sends motion into the universe and makes us experience what is called life.
And it is from here, where everything erupts, that leads me to peace.

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CHAPTER 1:
BIRTH

4
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All I remember is pain and agony...
So much agony.

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So much darkness in me.

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Exist and why I do this,
I've never been able to understand it.

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I don't have the answers,
because there aren't any.

8
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There is no meaning to life.
There is no sense of anything.

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There isn't a reason why they are
born into this cruel world.

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I always felt like I didn't belong there.
I have always been aware of this fact.

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I'm just constantly trapped in
this hell that some call "life".

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And I have no opportunity to escape.

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Suicide has never been the answer, because, in a certain way
Meaning, I'm more afraid of the act of dying than of death itself.

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Living is meaningless.
Not even death has it.

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We are just flesh and blood, and that's it.

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I always felt like my heart was immersed in tar.
Like everything in this fucking life is against me.

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All these grotesque adversities I have
had to endure have become my life and

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for many years I thought this was it
that people call love, family, life.

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I've hit rock bottom.
I can't do it anymore.

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From age 8 to 23, I was
raped and exploited by my family.

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I was raised with the thought that there was love
and that's exactly what I thought love was.

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I was ordered to have no friends
and to keep everything to myself.

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They said all my tears and screams were
part of this love. They brainwashed me.

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I believed their words and actions. I was so afraid of them.
And I thought it was normal to be afraid of your parents.

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And I've never talked to anyone about this.
I never went to school. I've never had friends.

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It was like no one in the world
knew of my existence.

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I was abandoned in mine
dirty and in my shit.

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Always. Everyday.

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I believe there is darkness
in all human beings.

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Mine took over when I was about 8 years old.
Since then I have become one with the darkness within me.

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It was the first time he raped me.
I remember we argued why

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he didn't want me to eat.
Even though I was very hungry.

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He said I was going to be fat and I shouldn't,
since he wanted a skinny girl.

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If I had been thin, I would have had better opportunities
to become a supermodel or a celebrity.

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So every time I asked for food, he would get angry.
Even though I hadn't eaten anything all day.

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Just one meal every other day
it should be enough.

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I will never be able to free myself from that feeling.
When I was raped, it was like being in hell.

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As if I were surrounded by flames.

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I remember that he was violent and that's why
that I cried while it was happening, at first.

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I have cried a lot in my life.
It was mostly at night that he came to me.

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He told me I was his little whore. He spat in my face.
He also often beat me.

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I was just a little girl. Soon,
it became a daily thing for me.

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Soon, the tears stopped as he told me
that it was normal and that it had to happen.

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And my mom knew it. He always knew that
what was happening and never told my father to stop.

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It wasn't until I was 23 that I had an epiphany;
I should have found something else.

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This is the only decision that
I've ever had alone.

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I had to escape. I had to leave.

48
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There had to be something out there.

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There had to be a better world for me. For many years,
I completely erased the thought of anything better.

50
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But suddenly I had this
feeling I couldn't describe.

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There had to be something else out there.
It had to be there.

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Hey. I'm Victoria. What is your name?

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I like your eyes.
Are you my path to happiness?

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So, one day in December,
I saw everything in a new light.

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I felt I could try something else
what an atrocity and pain.

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It was then that I met the one who
I thought it was my road to happiness.

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He always came to me...

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For the first time I opened up.

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... and he paid me... for the visit.

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I felt I had someone to
to tell my story.

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I could smell his breath
which smelled of beer.

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It became a sort of ritual.

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And you? What about your family?
Were they kind?

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Feeling happy, sitting in a corner,
in my chair, singing a song.

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How could he do it?

66
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How could he?

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I just had to find a new place in my head.
I had... I had only dreamed.

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Dreaming of dreaming... in the darkness of the night.
Dreaming of dreaming in the darkness of the night.

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When the world goes wrong,
I can fix it.

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I can see so far in my dreams.

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I chase my dreams until
they don't become reality.

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There is a star waiting to guide us.
Which shines in us when we close our eyes.

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And I still think... Why?

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But, as I expected, there is only chaos
and disorder in the world. It all sucks.

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There is no such thing as happiness. I was born
to be exploited by others.

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I guess it's my destiny.
It's the only way I can live.

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And the fact that I didn't see anyone
reason for this, it was suffocating me.

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I saw no control in life. I couldn't see anything.
No deep meaning to my existence.

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I should never have chosen life.

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My name is Victoria White. I will describe
everything that happened to me.

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I will describe what happened that year
when I ran away from home.

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Nothing good has happened in my life
and I don't want it to be any different.

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All the pain I endured was the best thing
that could happen to me. And I'm so grateful.

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For a whole year, I was tortured and
exploited in the most terrible ways.

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The way my parents treated me was nothing
compared to what happened to me during that year.

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I thought I had hit rock bottom,
but I was going even deeper.

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After being tortured for two months,
I understood that I had to distance myself.

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It's like something else takes over me.
Something else in my body.

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I had to distance myself from meat to survive
to the pain they would inflict on me.

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CHAPTER 2:
BETWEEN TWO KINGDOMS

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When I turned 18, I was allowed to leave home.
After 18 years of captivity, I had experienced hell in many ways.

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As if my parents had poisoned me all these years.
Like they forced poison into my system.

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But being 18 I had to make money,
so I started prostituting myself.

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It was the only opportunity and my mom knew
exactly how to get myself into the loop.

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The little money I earned,
I spent it on drugs.

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I soon learned that this was the only way to
distance myself from the shitty life I was living.

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I have never felt so bad...
So bad...

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While I was away from the flesh,
life flashed before me.

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I saw my body from outside and I saw
what had happened to my life.

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The first thing that appeared to me
it was that everything was infinite.

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It was a strange sensation, but something
he told me that everything was infinite.

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There is no beginning and no end to anything.
I understood that there was something bigger than me.

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Bigger than everything.

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The conscience I have now has me
made many things clear.

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All I experienced was that
that I had in mind, in my thoughts.

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It was never about what happened to me,
That's always been what it did to my mind.

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I realized they weren't my thoughts,
but the way I felt about them.

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I have always made myself beautiful 
when I was going out with a client.

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But I was raised to believe I was ugly,
so it didn't matter how much makeup I put on,

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I only saw the monster 
that I had become.

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Every time I was with a client,
I felt thrown away

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in the flames of hell
and torn to pieces.

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Please, stop. It hurts.

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I'm nothing.

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I'm nothing.

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I'm nothing.

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I'm nothing!

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No! Stop!

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Enough!

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But it had to happen. Everything that happened had to happen.
Measurements, weights and time do not exist.

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There are and always will be illusions. I would never have succeeded
to know the light if I had not known the darkness.

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No joy without the pain.
I am not my body.

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How could I feel true love,
what if I hadn't known hate and pain?

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And how could I know the cold without having it
felt the heat, the light without the darkness,

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contentment without discontent,
joy without anguish and so on?

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All these years I believed that hate, pain,
darkness, discontent and anguish were love.

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Truly pain and suffering
Am I love in disguise?

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Because conscience and love grow in mine
mind through pain and suffering?

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I suddenly realized that love was the same
to compassion and love for every living thing.

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And that everything was alive.

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Everything I've been through and what's happened
it had to happen to my body.

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The reason has been and always will be love.

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The way I was raised just made me blind
to understanding the truth behind it all.

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The truth behind a life that 
it might seem miserable to many.

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I don't even wonder if I'm alone.

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I just know it will always be.

137
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You might think it's sad...

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However, at a certain point,
you just stop caring.

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It's like you're lost.

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You have nothing left to achieve
in your life.

141
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So this is where I am now.
It doesn't make sense.

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I don't even think people would care
if I left and never came back.

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They wouldn't even notice,
if I did.

144
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It's hard to explain
what it feels like to be scared,

145
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what it feels like not to want to live.

146
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I'm just too weak.

147
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Always nightmares and bad dreams. I was devastated.

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I'm so angry at myself.

149
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You can hit me as hard as you like.

150
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Kill me. Strangle me to death.

151
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I'm so scared all the time.

152
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I'm destroyed, yes, I'm destroyed.

153
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I'm pathetic.

154
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Kill me. Why am I alive?

155
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All this shit in my life
it made me wonder:

156
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Is all this real?

157
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CHAPTER 3:
THE DARKNESS WITHIN

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The darkness had to come out.

159
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So much darkness.

160
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Through it all 
pain and suffering,

161
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the universe teaches me compassion
and to follow love.

162
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The symbolic scars that the
my conscience has left on me

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they keep me going in life

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towards the eternal spiral.

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It suddenly appeared to me,
like the clearest sky in the night sky,

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than pain and suffering
they are not the work of the devil.

167
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If the devil doesn't even exist.

168
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The more pain I feel, the more objectivity I desire.

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My conscience makes me clear
that life is eternal and

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develops around an eternal ever-growing spiral where
he will experience life in an increasingly supreme, loving and objective way.

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Being tortured and held prisoner
during that year

172
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It was the best thing that could have happened.
Just to be, and to meet my highest consciousness,

173
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it sets me free. Free from all chains.
I see everything clearly.

174
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I have and always have had responsibility
as I interpret it,

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I react and experience what I encounter.
Everything I've overcome

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it is to my advantage in the great eternal prospect of life.
Everything is seen through contrasts.

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The meaning of life is just living life,
something that can only happen through contrasts and

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and constant changes in ways both small and large.
When consciousness surpasses instinct,

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let's become enlightened and just try
love and objectivity in everything.

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The universe is infinite in all directions, life is eternal,
and this is why time cannot exist.

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All I ever believed was that no
there was meaning in nothing, and that evil reigned,

182
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Now it's a complete joke to me.
Evil does not exist; It's just ignorance in disguise.

183
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Evil is at the bottom of the spiral 
of development.

184
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Likewise, death is
an illusion. And I should die...

185
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My name is Victoria.

186
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My body can't handle it
more to put up with this.

187
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Death, as it is called, is a birth 
on the spiritual level where everything is love and possible.

188
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Carnal life now 
appears at odds with the

189
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free spiritual world. It's on Earth where
I should develop my deepest talents.

190
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:39,534
FINAL CHAPTER:
REBIRTH

191
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Suffering and pain
they are relative concepts.

192
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:06,313
It all depends on which one
perspective we look.

193
00:51:07,420 --> 00:51:12,574
From a close perspective,
the pain I have endured is terrifying,

194
00:51:12,780 --> 00:51:19,173
but from a universal eternal perspective,
which I now understand, this suffering is just a sting

195
00:51:19,260 --> 00:51:22,573
with a needle that makes me the perfect
 human being.

196
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:53,156
We will go higher and higher.

197
00:53:53,300 --> 00:53:56,497
The more we evolve, the more love
and objectivity let's try.

198
00:53:57,680 --> 00:53:58,598
Everything is infinite.

199
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Death does not exist.

200
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:06,071
We will always walk again
and again and again.

201
01:00:35,280 --> 01:00:39,859
Pain and suffering are what 
they refine the expansion of my consciousness.

202
01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:45,249
The suffering I had to endure opens my conscience
and it makes me prove that I'm not just my body.

203
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And that my body is not me.

204
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My body is just the manifestation
of my conscience.

205
01:00:52,160 --> 01:00:56,631
What I feel, my conscience and my thoughts,
they are the ones who send the emotions

206
01:00:57,120 --> 01:01:00,108
in the universe and experience
the so-called life.

207
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:04,393
And it is from here, where everything erupts,
that brings me to peace.

208
01:02:56,280 --> 01:03:00,159
I only felt pain. 
To those who inflicted it on me,

209
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:02,517
I only have love to give.

210
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Pain and suffering 
they are some of the best things

211
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that can happen to you.

212
01:05:53,280 --> 01:05:55,714
Now I can finally
start living.

213
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:04,836
Nothing will stop me.

214
01:06:13,280 --> 01:06:16,078
And what will you do with my story?

215
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:17,588
Can you draw a lesson from it?

216
01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:19,114
Do you see the point?

217
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:23,269
Don't worry,
one day everything will be clear to you.

218
01:06:23,560 --> 01:06:26,597
Wait and see...

219
01:06:31,221 --> 01:06:36,221
Subtitles by davidedantonio1